just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
