my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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