if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
