it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
