I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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