Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
