So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
