Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
