so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
