The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
