Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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