Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
