Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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