MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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