Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
