the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
