Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
