i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
