Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
