new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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