hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
