Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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