If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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