just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
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...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
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He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
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Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.