Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
