He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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