Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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