Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
