She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
