Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
