If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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