I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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