mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
