Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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