I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
