I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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