Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
