I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
