im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
