Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
