I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
