I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
