she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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