I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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