I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
