I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
