Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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