I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Of course I have a pirate flag
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
