I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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