I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I will find, mount, and marry that person.