Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
