the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
