Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
