there's paper in my vomit.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
