Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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