when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
